Frustrated.
Balancing writing and motherhood feels absolutely impossible.
Ok. I admit it. I was briefly determined to throw in the towel yesterday. It was one of those days when I get so overwhelmed that I literally want to just crawl into a hole and disappear forever. So stressed out that the weight of life was literally crushing me, making me feel suffocated.
Shortly after starting school in the morning, I looked at my calendar and realized that our teacher was coming. In just over 2 hours. The house was still an utter disaster from not being cleaned in a few days. And, in the past, when he has come and the house was in such a condition, he was kind enough to give the kids a hard time about not helping me out enough and made them spend the duration of his visit picking up their crap.
Some people would find this invasive and offensive. I don’t. But mostly because of his approach.
“Hey guys. Who’s mess is that? Who’s stuff is that?”
“Um… ours.”
“Why is it all on the floor like that? Don’t you pick up after yourselves?”
“Um.. no.”
“Well, why not?? Doesn’t your mom have enough to take care of? Aren’t you big enough to pick up your own toys and throw away your own trash?”
“Yeah..”
“Well, then get to it!”
Yeah. He’s also a coach. Can you tell? Still. I don’t want to waste his time. So, normally I will clean things up before he comes. I know.. it doesn’t really help with the whole ‘the kids are old enough and big enough and need to take responsibility’ issue. But at least my house is clean. And a clean house make everyone in it a little happier.
I didn’t clean yesterday.
I started to. But the kids ran upstairs to play instead of chipping in and helping me. Shortly after I started sweeping everything up, the puppy stopped and pooped on the floor. That was it for me. I can’t take care of the puppy, clean the house, make the meals, do the dishes, do the laundry, teach the children, and write a book all on my own! So of course, my initial thought is that I’m a complete idiot for even thinking about doing NaNoWriMo. As I told my husband, “I can’t even manage a balance between blogging and life. Why would I think that I could manage NaNo and life?”
I could. If I wasn’t busy picking up after everyone.
But what do I do? I can’t force them to do my bidding. And I don’t want to. And I shouldn’t have to. Still, I can yell till I’m blue in the face, I can bribe, I can make threats, I can ask nicely over and over and over, I could spank them.. But none of it makes any difference. Once in a while, if I actually follow through and start throwing away their toys (which I do if I threaten it) then they might lift a finger. But why should it have to go that far?
I think it’s hereditary. Because my mom had to do the same thing.
Anyway. Yesterday, I walked out. Oh, yes I did. Kieran was having one of his ‘You don’t love us and I’m traumatized by your tantrum.’ moments and was saying he wanted to run away and that I was welcome to throw away ALL his stuff. I said, “You know what? Running away doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Why don’t I run away? Then you all can live here and make as much mess as you want without ever having to clean it up.” And I walked out. The teacher was due in an hour.
I walked down the street and around the corner a bit about a block away. I stood there for a bit, sending texts to my husband while I tried to calm down a little. Now, yes.. I realize that this could potentially leave my kids ‘in danger’ and that if someone were to find out about it, they could call CPS or whoever on me. But, I was gone for about 5 minutes. And honestly? I think they’d have been in more danger if I’d stayed.
Mommy needed a time out.
Anyway, I came back. As usual, my 9yo was the most traumatized of the bunch. He’s always had some separation issues and I’m lucky that he’s finally reached a point where he does not go into hysterics if he loses track of where I am in the house (what? we have a big house!).
They still didn’t clean up.
Not until their teacher came and told them they had to. Hey, at least they respect someone, right?
My children are normally very well behaved delightful little human beings. We get compliments everywhere we go on how good they are and how well mannered and well behaved they are. But this one issue, this one thing, has been a HUGE thorn in my side for years. I don’t know what it takes to get over it.. Aside from a heaping extra serving of responsibility on my part. I have to stay on them about it every day. I have to simply function as a mom machine, making sure everyone does everything they need to do everyday and stays on schedule with their tasks.
It’s exhausting.
And it’s the exact opposite of my natural mode of functioning and living. I was not born to be a manager. It also leaves me no time for any of the things I’d like to do. Sure, we have scheduled free time every day from 2-5. But that’s the time I use to do the dishes, do some laundry, make sure school things are put away correctly, check email, figure out dinner, exercise the puppy, and any other little thing that comes up. And if I don’t get those things done? Then at 5, when it’s time for chores, Aidan and Torrin can’t empty the dishwasher, Kieran and Eliana can’t fold the laundry, and then no one can put their clothes away, and you can just forget about picking up the toys because they’d never start with that.
Even if I delegate, it all comes back to me and my responsibilities in the end.
And now I’ve written a big long whiny post about being a housewife and mom. Sorry about that. Well, not really. Because this is my damn blog and I’ll write what I want to.. and it felt good to get it out.
So under all this falls the dilemma, when will I write. Well, I didn’t have a chance to pick up my pencil until around 7:30, after dinner. This is not an ideal time for me to write. My brain is so fried by the end of the day that I have little to no creative juices left to be squeezed out. I still managed to get out about 600 words last night. But that’s merely a small dent in my goal of 2k per day. I need about 1700/day in order to stay on track to finish. I would prefer to have 2k a day. So yesterday, I should have ended the day with 6k ideally but at least 5100. I had 4700 when I went to bed. Because at that point I was writing only a sentence or two between falling asleep on my notebook and trying to sip my tea.
I hope today is better.
I wanted to give up yesterday. I wasn’t going to announce that I was giving up or anything.. mostly because the amazing and encouraging people in my region would have come after me with pitchforks and torches and my awesome supportive husband would have gladly handed me over.. But I’m not giving up.
I am not a quitter. Never say never..
