I Can’t.
I am not a fan of being a failure. However, it’s something I’ve become quite good at over the years.
I won’t bore you with the details.
It sucks not being able to fulfill your expectations for yourself. I don’t really think that I have expectations that are really all that lofty. Most people are capable of accomplishing much more than I even set out to do. Why shouldn’t I be able to do it too? I’m tired of excuses and refuse to make any for myself.
I simply want to keep the kids mostly caught up with work through the school year. I want to keep a reasonably clean house (one that is not a health hazard) and would like the kids to help out just a little. And each November, I’d like to be allowed to sit and write a measly 1700 words each day in order to have a book done at the end of the month.
Is that really so much to ask?
Apparently it is.
Once again, as every year, I’m praying that I can at least keep the kids going on their work so that I can have the option of sending them to school the next year so they don’t have to be the ‘old kid in the class’. I’d be willing to bet good money that if they had a real teacher, one that knew what they were doing, they’d probably be a LOT more successful.
I can’t make them do the work. I can’t. And the one thing they are consistent about? Refusing. Why? Because it’s boring. Even my sweet Torrin, who I was looking forward to home schooling, has turned on me. I can’t keep them caught up. I can’t send them to school a full grade behind next year. I can’t make it interesting enough to get them to do it.
My NaNo novel is looking very much like my lesson plans. Though I make a little progress each day, I still consistently fall further and further behind. I can’t finish it. I can’t catch up. I can’t write late at night when I finally have the opportunity because I can’t stay awake. I can’t go to write-ins.
The sad part? Even if I gave up one for the benefit of the other, I’d still fail at both. So I keep going. I keep plugging along at a mind numbingly slow pace, falling further behind with each day that passes. It’s so hard to keep going, knowing that I won’t finish.. knowing I won’t succeed. It’s heart breaking to try so hard and to give it your all and still fall on your face.
I’m not fond of failure. And I really don’t care if people think that if you ‘do your best it’s still success’ or that if you have something to show at the end then it’s not failure. Teachers don’t accept incomplete assignments. You don’t pass the class if you don’t do the work. You don’t get paid if you don’t do your job. You don’t succeed if you don’t accomplish the goal and finish the task. You just don’t.
And that sucks.
