I Can’t.
I am not a fan of being a failure. However, it’s something I’ve become quite good at over the years.
I won’t bore you with the details.
It sucks not being able to fulfill your expectations for yourself. I don’t really think that I have expectations that are really all that lofty. Most people are capable of accomplishing much more than I even set out to do. Why shouldn’t I be able to do it too? I’m tired of excuses and refuse to make any for myself.
I simply want to keep the kids mostly caught up with work through the school year. I want to keep a reasonably clean house (one that is not a health hazard) and would like the kids to help out just a little. And each November, I’d like to be allowed to sit and write a measly 1700 words each day in order to have a book done at the end of the month.
Is that really so much to ask?
Apparently it is.
Once again, as every year, I’m praying that I can at least keep the kids going on their work so that I can have the option of sending them to school the next year so they don’t have to be the ‘old kid in the class’. I’d be willing to bet good money that if they had a real teacher, one that knew what they were doing, they’d probably be a LOT more successful.
I can’t make them do the work. I can’t. And the one thing they are consistent about? Refusing. Why? Because it’s boring. Even my sweet Torrin, who I was looking forward to home schooling, has turned on me. I can’t keep them caught up. I can’t send them to school a full grade behind next year. I can’t make it interesting enough to get them to do it.
My NaNo novel is looking very much like my lesson plans. Though I make a little progress each day, I still consistently fall further and further behind. I can’t finish it. I can’t catch up. I can’t write late at night when I finally have the opportunity because I can’t stay awake. I can’t go to write-ins.
The sad part? Even if I gave up one for the benefit of the other, I’d still fail at both. So I keep going. I keep plugging along at a mind numbingly slow pace, falling further behind with each day that passes. It’s so hard to keep going, knowing that I won’t finish.. knowing I won’t succeed. It’s heart breaking to try so hard and to give it your all and still fall on your face.
I’m not fond of failure. And I really don’t care if people think that if you ‘do your best it’s still success’ or that if you have something to show at the end then it’s not failure. Teachers don’t accept incomplete assignments. You don’t pass the class if you don’t do the work. You don’t get paid if you don’t do your job. You don’t succeed if you don’t accomplish the goal and finish the task. You just don’t.
And that sucks.
November 9th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I’m not going to placate you with platitudes of anything. I am going to remind you that what you DO manage to accomplish in one day is much more (above and beyond) what most SAHMs need to do to maintain their one or two kids. That being said:
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’m a pretty big disappointment in myself as well.
November 9th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
I hate seeing you so frustrated because I know how much this means to you. I have no idea what it takes to keep a household of seven afloat, but I can imagine it well enough to know that it is something I could -never- do. You probably do more in an hour than I do all day but you don’t realize it because “that’s just what moms do.”
I would love for you to start bending the rules a bit for yourself. Who says you have to have your novel done in 30 days? Write for yourself, when you have the time, and enjoy it. Completing NaNoWriMo is a fun goal for those people (like ‘no kids’ me) who have endless hours on the weekends and the evenings to sit down and play with words. If I had to fit it in between raising five children? No. Way. I would crack under the pressure.
So give yourself 60 days. Or 90 days. Or 365 days if that’s what it takes. Put the joy back in the writing and see if that makes you feel better about things. I’m not saying don’t have a goal. Maybe your goal is 500 words a day. Or an hour of writing a day. Or maybe you write three nights a week. Whatever works for you.
Just please, reconsider giving up just because of some silly 30 day rule that we both know HAD to have been made up by a man or woman who did not have children (or had a spouse who did all the heavy lifting in child rearing)
Think about what works for you and what will make you happy. I would really love to read the writing that flows out of you, when you’re happy.
November 10th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
you can. and you are. bit by bit. day by day. because both are your heart and soul, and in time you’ll find the balance… because that’s what you do, and that’s how you write.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:54 am
Oh sweetie – you are not a failure. Having young kids makes it impossible … absolutely impossible, to ever feel like you’re getting anything done. There’s a reason why I never homeschooled. I know it’s an admirable thing, but I was never cut out for it. My kids would have been 5 years too old for whatever grade they were supposed to be in. A lot of people hold their kids back a year or two now to give them an advantage at school. You CAN send them to school a little older than their peers if it keeps you sane. It may benefit them tremendously. And if you don’t? That’s okay too … but then give yourself permission to take the rest of your life at a much slower pace. I still feel like it’s a major victory if I get ONE thing accomplished each day and my kids are a lot older than yours! ((Hugs!))
November 11th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Who is this “most people”? You have THREE full time jobs – mother , teacher, writer – which would be great if you didn’t sleep, or eat, or poop.
Is there a homeschooling circle or something near you where you can outsource them for a couple days a week? It might mean you have MORE children on other days, but it might work to get them to listen. Otherwise – well, the public school system has never killed anyone.
Well, okay, not very many people.
*hugs*
November 14th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Stop right there, my dear.
You are trying to eat a mountain in one or two huge bites. Nibbles, nibbles, do what you can while you can.
Sustained radiation can turn steel brittle to the point of fracture; please don’t let that happen to you. This, from someone who knows
November 18th, 2009 at 12:38 am
I really, really like Debra!
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I can so relate. Minus one child and not homeschooling. So um, I guess that I can’t, except that I can and so thanks. Some days are just better than others. And sometimes I think we have just set the standard too high.
Doing the best you can is all you can do. It’s all I can do too!!
December 5th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Well, at the end of the month you seemed to be in higher spirits about all of this… So I’m hoping things improved as November came and went.
I can’t imagine how you even attempt to get it all done.
I understand feeling like a failure, and that no matter what I say in the form of comfort will just seem like I don’t get it. That is always how it feels to be when I’m the one feeling as you do.
Now, though… nearly a month later, you seem to be in a better place than you are now, in this post. All of your tweets were so sad, so resigned. You don’t come across that way now. I REALLY hope that is the case. Because I think you are kind of a big chunk of awesome.
December 5th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
I don’t home school but i chatted with a woman who does. She has 6 kids, home schools, and 2 or 3 businesses. I asked her how she does it. She does the teaching just 3 days a week and the business 2 days. She found it’s better to focus teaching on just 3 days instead of trying to do it everyday. She’s also able to do her work on the 2 days she’s not teaching. Maybe you can readjust your teaching schedule (if you have a schedule). Kids are resilient. They are also sponges. This is when things stick to their brain.
And I agree with the others, don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Completing a book in 30 days is very ambitious. Even for someone who gets to write around the clock for a living.
Lastly, would it be the worst thing in the world if the kids had to be put in school a grade behind? My son missed the cutoff for Kindergarten by 2 weeks. I was so pressed to get him in with his class but because he was born 2 weeks after the cut off, he had to wait an extra year. It was the best thing that could have happened. It gave him an extra year to mature and grow. He likes be the older kid. Makes him feel more like the boss. And in the grand scheme of things, what’s one extra year?