Setting aside once more..
At times, I wonder what my purpose in life is. From a spiritual stand point, it’s pretty clear. And I know what the things are that make me feel whole and set my soul at ease. Yet, those things can cause some serious disruption in my day to day life.
November was fun. It was horribly frustrating and challenging.. but it was FUN. December was good too. I had some time to play with my book a bit and work on it. I rewrote the first 4 chapters because the story didn’t entirely match the rest of it and I wrote a few new chapters. My book is now at about 55K and about 2/3 done. I look forward to finishing it… someday.
But now? I need to set it aside. Once again, real life is calling my name and demanding (quite rudely) my attention. I adore my family. I truly do. I miss the days when they were my whole world and all I needed to be content. I would love to be that woman again, but my life and things that have happened over the past two years have changed me. I don’t think that can be fixed. In some ways, I’m more than ok with that. But the fact that I need to continue the life I was living before 2008 frustrates me. I used to feel bad for frustrated mothers who were always trying to find time for themselves and the things they wanted to do, now I am one.
Anyhow, I know that someday I will be free to write when I want to. And yes, I realize that I could probably strike some sort of balance in my life right now that would allow me to fulfill my responsibilities as a wife and a mother and still have time to be me and do the things that I enjoy. But mentally, I can’t do it. If my mind is on writing, then it is a very high priority for me. And if my mind is on being a mother and wife, taking care of my home and family and teaching my kids, then I have no brain left for creativity at the end of the day. I suppose you could say being a mom steals my mojo.
I do hope that maybe I can steal moments here and there to work on my manuscript a little, but I can’t make it my focus. Perhaps this summer, if our school year can finish out well, I will have more time for writing. We shall see. I also hope I can use my blog for some practice and keep up with short stories and prompted posts. But I can’t make any guarantees. I’d love to be able to have a little time each day to type up a post once I get things back on track with school and such. Until then, I may have to just pull out my old journal and let it know how my day went. I need to write. Daily. It helps keep me from totally losing it.
So happy new year friends. I’m not sure what 2010 holds for me. Thus far, I have had many many bad years that were even numbered years, so I’m sort of bracing myself for what this year might bring. I hope it doesn’t suck.
