At times, I wonder what my purpose in life is. From a spiritual stand point, it’s pretty clear. And I know what the things are that make me feel whole and set my soul at ease. Yet, those things can cause some serious disruption in my day to day life.
November was fun. It was horribly frustrating and challenging.. but it was FUN. December was good too. I had some time to play with my book a bit and work on it. I rewrote the first 4 chapters because the story didn’t entirely match the rest of it and I wrote a few new chapters. My book is now at about 55K and about 2/3 done. I look forward to finishing it… someday.
But now? I need to set it aside. Once again, real life is calling my name and demanding (quite rudely) my attention. I adore my family. I truly do. I miss the days when they were my whole world and all I needed to be content. I would love to be that woman again, but my life and things that have happened over the past two years have changed me. I don’t think that can be fixed. In some ways, I’m more than ok with that. But the fact that I need to continue the life I was living before 2008 frustrates me. I used to feel bad for frustrated mothers who were always trying to find time for themselves and the things they wanted to do, now I am one.
Anyhow, I know that someday I will be free to write when I want to. And yes, I realize that I could probably strike some sort of balance in my life right now that would allow me to fulfill my responsibilities as a wife and a mother and still have time to be me and do the things that I enjoy. But mentally, I can’t do it. If my mind is on writing, then it is a very high priority for me. And if my mind is on being a mother and wife, taking care of my home and family and teaching my kids, then I have no brain left for creativity at the end of the day. I suppose you could say being a mom steals my mojo.
I do hope that maybe I can steal moments here and there to work on my manuscript a little, but I can’t make it my focus. Perhaps this summer, if our school year can finish out well, I will have more time for writing. We shall see. I also hope I can use my blog for some practice and keep up with short stories and prompted posts. But I can’t make any guarantees. I’d love to be able to have a little time each day to type up a post once I get things back on track with school and such. Until then, I may have to just pull out my old journal and let it know how my day went. I need to write. Daily. It helps keep me from totally losing it.
So happy new year friends. I’m not sure what 2010 holds for me. Thus far, I have had many many bad years that were even numbered years, so I’m sort of bracing myself for what this year might bring. I hope it doesn’t suck.
2010 is going to be a great year!! I know you will finish your book, why you say, because I can’t wait to read it and you wouldn’t want to disappoint me!!
Keep your head up young lady, you have plenty of people who love and support you! Don’t brace yourself for bad, EXPECT the good, cause it is coming!!! 
I love you, Nikki.
I love you too sweetness!!
I know what you mean about being a mom stealing your mojo. As moms, we give it all, and forget (or can’t) to save a little for ourselves. I used to be cool with that, too. Now it’s harder.
2010 will be so freakin’ awesome! It has to. Glad I found your blog.
I shall visit again…
Thanks! I’m glad you found me too.
you honor me (and your regular readers) by sharing. I’m inspired, because I feel the same way – albeit as a (mostly work-at-home) dad. I think Mrs. Macker would share your angst, in that she loves to write and create and has little time either. far be it from me to be the one to tell her this, but I think our purpose becomes our children for a time. and I think God compensates us for our faithfulness.
I’m curious now what your purpose in life is on the spiritual side. call it a spiritual occupational hazard of mine.
Yes, I agree that our children become our purpose for a time.
My spiritual purpose? To serve God. And, honestly, this blog and my writing actually help me to achieve that purpose. God uses me daily to relate to and emotionally support people from all walks of life, whether directly through interaction and conversation or indirectly through my writing.
I think that is one of the things that is so frustrating about not having more time for writing and blogging!
OK… I want to give you encouragment but not be too sappy, cuz you know I can’t stand it when I get too overly sappy (it’s just not my way). And I don’t want to be too sarcastic, because although it’s my way, I don’t want to make you feel like your struggles are important, because they SOOO are; and it’s something I struggle with too, so I know how frustrated you feel.
But I agree with Macker, God will reward our faithfulness.
LOVE YOU!
Love you too, Lisa.
Believing that God will reward my faithfulness is a huge challenge for me these days. Life has soured my belief in such things. I’m sure we’ll all be rewarded in heaven, I hold on to that and try not to think about whether or not life is ‘worth it’.
I hope that didn’t sound trite!! more to say, I think the process of parenting is a byproduct of our purpose – that, namely, to be fruitful and multiply.
not saying this about you, per se, but I think a lot of parents lose sight of their purpose being deeply entwined with prov. 22:6 – training up our kids in the way they are to go, so we can go back to working out *our* purpose.
No, I didn’t think it was trite. I agree. I think sometimes parents see life with children too much as a job. We have a bit of a different view in our house. We are a family, we all learn from each other and live with each other and minister to each other. It’s not ‘parents lording over their children’ here. Much like Jesus and his disciples were friends first, and teacher/students second. Does that make sense? Holy tangent, Batman!
Anyhow, I could go on and on about my parenting views and philosophies.
Also, my aforementioned spiritual purpose? I serve that purpose as much in our home as I do outside it. I would just love to find more balance between the two.
oh, i’m all about the tangent.
like … *how* are you called to serve God? what’s *your* mandate?
and how do you know Jesus and the disciples were friends first? the way I read it (with my Rob Bell goggles on) is Jesus called them as a rabbi to a student, and by responding, they were duty-bound to follow. he didn’t call them friends until Act 3.
@Macker
See? my lack of scripture study is obvious.
I think I was mostly referring to their relationship in comparison to relationships today. I don’t know.. Either way, I kinda suck when it comes to spiritual discussion or debate. 
no debate intended! just my love of the tangent coming out.
I believe God compensates us in the *now*, even when it’s later than we expect (or want) it. my hip replacement was much desired well before I was 30 (when I received it). my kids are really well behaved – outside the home. I get smooches for writing nice lunch notes to Mrs. Macker.
I think God wants us to take a much longer view of our lives than we do (Heb. 11:39-40). but I also believe there’s a divine plan afoot all the way through.
I sure hope I’m not piling it on – this was meant as encouragement
Actually, I think I’d put this one under discussion.
And, never fear, I’ve always been a fan of a good tangent!
I see your meaning though. And I try to look at life that way. Just hard sometimes.
BIG SQUISHY BEWBIE *HUG*
Even with just one child, what you’re describing about the mom vs. writing thing was very much me until Anna was in school. And even then, even now I have to struggle to balance. So I agree: a lot of this is unavoidable for you right now.
That said, I want to pass on something to you that someone wise told me. Well, two wise things. The first you know: your children’s youth is fleeting, and though right now it can be a struggle to keep your identity within it, it will be mere moments before it’s gone, so you’re right to treasure it and make it a priority. But the second is the other side of the coin. Remember that one of your most powerful acts right now is to be a model for them, for the girls in how they should behave, and for the boys in what they should expect in a partner. Be careful not to sacrifice your own self and identity so much that it would go beyond what you would ask your children to do themselves. Be sure to teach your children by your model that, yes, it’s important for a mother to be a person, too.
The struggle of course will forever be in finding that balance. But in a culture that often asks a mother to be so huge she is almost iconic, sometimes it’s good to remember that being human is actually the more noble pursuit. Hell. Even Jesus did it.
You do a good job as a mother and a partner. You’re a talented woman and individual, too. Never be afraid to be both.
(And I’m going to apologize that I probably won’t be able to get back to check comments, but I’ll keep watching you on twitter. Much love, Heidi.)
(And yea, crap!)
I know what you mean about kids stealing your mojo and energy. Of course, what has prevented me from blogging the most is the kids’ stealing of my spacebar…
Your post definitely struck a cord with me! Before kids, life was all about teaching my 102 high-schoolers a love for literature and writing, going to drama contests, and leading women’s bible studies–all so immediately rewarding and requiring so much creativity. I tried teaching part time after the first three were born (though I thought it was for financial reasons–the Lord showed me otherwise). It wasn’t that teaching was “bad”, but I would become so obsessed with the lesson plans, the class conversations, the well-being of the teens that my attention to my own family was always divided. My mind wouldn’t allow me to be 100% invested in them when something more thrilling was waiting for me out the door. I had to quit teaching and live in the present reality of ministering to three (then soon four) eternal souls. Believe me when I say I do not regret the temporary hiatus at all–it became a blessing, full of rewards that now, 20 years later, I am reaping. And other people’s teens are still there needing teachers–imagine that! My brain didn’t atrophy, but instead was enriched by life’s experiences and the challenge of homeschooling my own. Rewards will be there for you, Megan,almost every day, and your creative writing abilities will increase as you challenge your children to observe and write; I even learned to appreciate the complexities of math and to fall in love with history. As you delight in serving your household, this will be said of you, Megan: “Her children rise up and bless her; her husband, also, and he praises her, saying: “Many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.”
You are the apple of His eye!
Love you!
I’m going through this sort of thing right now. What gives me passion? I just don’t know. It was a big part of my hiatus. Right now, only Oreos give this girl passion. Love the new digs. You’ve probably been here for months. Look at me – late to the party!
It seems like you always post RIGHT after I have a time period where I get behind with my reader and don’t open it for a week or two! I’m always so late!
I know that plenty of women feel as you do, and I’m sorry that you find yourself in this place. Just know that many of those women also never rise to the challenge of anything when they are in that place. The fact that you are stepping up and being a wife and mother while facing these struggles speaks of your strength and character and fortitude. You’ll find where you need to be. Bravo for being so strong on your journey to get there.
Oh, do I totally hear you.
Supper’s in the making, this is my few seconds to catch up on Twitter feeds while the hamburger’s thawing, and the noise level around the kitchen table is driving me insane.
But I can’t go back either. At least I know I’m not the only one experiencing that transformation.
~Cat
(@lifeledlearning, found you via @KMWeiland)
thank you for being more brave than I am; you have the guts to say how you feel – so often the same as what I feel, like in this post – and I am too afraid to let out my real thoughts. You speak for yourself, of course, but be proud because you give others of us a voice.
I love you,
K
i was home schooled too but i would still prefer regular schools.~;”