Embellished Truth & Polite Fiction

In my last post I talked a bit about parenting, sharing what brought my husband and I to the decision to not spank our kids. In much the same manner that we have changed our plans in other areas of parenting, it came about in a simple and rather un-monumental way. Sometimes small, simple problems can completely change your outlook.

The convenience of breastfeeding led me to become an exclusive, extended nursing mom who was never afraid to feed her kids in public. Our oldest son’s aggression led us to stop spanking. His delay in potty training led us to home school our kids. Lack of health insurance gave me a push toward a home birth with a midwife.. Sometimes complications can lead to good changes.

Letting go of the decision to spank was easy. Changing the way we viewed our relationship with our kids was a little harder, but not impossible. We had to let go of the adversarial mindset in order to really move forward and have an easier time teaching and disciplining our kids.

It’s not us verses them. It’s not about a battle for control. We are not aiming to control our children but rather teaching them to control themselves. Because if we simply aim to control and condition our children to respond to our command, then what happens when we are not there? And how do we want our children to feel about us?

It does not matter *how* you spank, spanking is a tool that teaches children to behave out of fear. You strike a child and then the child avoids the behavior that brought on the spanking out of FEAR of being spanked again. I have no desire to make my children fear me. And if I am the one spanking them, they are going to fear me, not the spanking. I see no place in my relationship for threats, spanking, or ultimatums.

I know what fear leads to in a relationship between parent and child, and that is most definitely NOT what I want for my family.

My goals as a parent is to raise responsible, caring, compassionate people. People who value themselves and others equally. But I also want us to be a family. I want us to have love and respect for each other. I want my children to be able to trust me. I want to keep communication open between my children and I and for them to know that I am here to help them every step of the way as they grow – for the first 18 years and beyond.

I mentioned in my last post that you’ll have an easier time finding a person who is opposed to hitting a dog when training it than finding a person who is against spanking a child when raising them. Why is that? Why do children have such low status that our dogs are more worthy of good treatment?

There is no adult life, real world application for spanking. There is no grown up equivalent. Therefore, I don’t see how it can really be used as any sort of teaching tool that one can apply to later in life situations.

Nearly any person you meet who was spanked as a child (with the exception of most people who had abusive parents) will tell you ‘But I turned out just fine.’ or even ‘But I deserved it and it was necessary to teach me a lesson.’ Do you really believe you could not have learned that lesson without being hit?

Here’s the thing. Try to remember being a child who had gotten into trouble. Your parent decides that the appropriate punishment is a spanking. How does being spanked feel? Physically? Emotionally? Did it make you feel loved? Safe? Helped? Valued? Cared for?

Or did it make you feel ashamed? Devalued? Hurt? Humiliated? Helpless?

Do we really believe that children are so simple minded, so stupid, that they can not be reasoned with and taught without being struck? Kids are people. They are young. They are new. And so very often, they just don’t understand. Children need to be taught, to be guided and coached in their early years. They may misbehave, they may even do things that they understand they are not supposed to. But do they understand why they are not supposed to? I think there is a better way to explain to a child that they should not run out in the street (a very popular example of why a parent thinks they should spank) than to hit them for doing so.

For the record, I don’t think I’ve ever had to discipline a child for running in the street. I’ve always been there to hold their hand when they cross and to explain to them why they must watch and wait before going forward.

Parenting is work. Parenting without hitting is a LOT of work. Many parents like to have a quick fix. They like to have some sort of go to tool that they can use or even remind a child they have.. a proverbial ‘gun to wave’. “If you don’t stop hitting your brother, you’re going to get spanked.” And yes, I realize that for people who ‘spank the right way’ it does take lots of time because you have to sit down and talk with the child and explain things to them and let them know that you love them even though you hit them and perhaps even give them some bologna about how ‘it hurts me more than it hurts you’. NO. IT. DOESN’T. It may ‘hurt’ you psychologically, but it hurts them both psychologically and physically.

I want to feel good about the way I parent. I want my kids to feel safe with me and comfortable with me. I want them to feel loved and respected as people. I want them to feel accepted for who they are as they are. And if something bad happens to them, if something goes wrong in their life, I want them to be able to trust me enough to come to me and tell me. Even if it’s something they think they might get ‘in trouble’ for.

There were things that happened in my childhood that I kept secret. Had I felt safer with my parents and had I not feared their reaction, I might have told them. But I did not. I don’t want that for my kids.

Have you talked to your kids today? And, more importantly, have you listened to your kids today? Have you heard what they have to say, without interrupting them or trying to reinterpret the things they said? Have you given them your attention without trying to help them with what they have to say? You might be surprised just how well they can express themselves and their feelings. You might be surprised just how well they can understand the lessons you have to teach them. Without hitting.

I rarely talk about ‘hot button issues’ on this here blog. I like to stick with personal anecdotes and fiction writing. But, on occasion, I might branch out a little. Just a little.

There are not many ‘issues’ I am very passionate about in this world. I do my best, as a Christian, to follow Jesus’ commandment to LOVE. I work hard at not judging people, trying to first put myself in their shoes before I give requested advice and not bother giving advice when it is not asked for. I would rather relate to people, understand them, and appreciate them for who they are as they are than try to change them to fit into what I might think could be ‘better’.

God made you who you are for a reason. It is not my place to mess with that. If He seeks to change you, He will. He’s just awesome like that.

Parenting. Parenting is one thing that I do tend to be passionate about. While my mental health struggles have made motherhood a bit more of a shaky situation for me in the past couple of years, the truth is being a mom was the one thing that I wanted most in life. You can even ask my parents. When I was a little girl, my mother said I was ‘born to be a mom’. In high school, it was not uncommon for me to end up with the nick name ‘mom’.

So, of course, I want to do it well.

I had my first child just before I turned 21. I am now about to turn 31 and my oldest will be 10 in just 3 days.  A lot of things have changed in the 10 years since then. Everything from birth choices to discipline and education choices. The mother I envisioned myself being on the day of my first child’s birth is a far cry from the mother I have become. And I could not be happier about that. I’m confident in my parenting and the choices I have made for my family. They are right for us, and they are most definitely working for us. It shows.

Our children are unique and amazing individuals, as all kids are, who are no where near free from frustrations. But our kids are not afraid to be themselves, express themselves, share their opinions in a respectful manner. We’ve been complimented on our ‘great kids’ by everyone from relatives, to Sunday school teachers, and friends to bus drivers. Restaurant wait staff, retail workers, people at the park, you name it. I have frequently been asked ‘what’s your secret?’

That is a HARD question to answer. But answer it I have.

I treat my children with respect and dignity. I treat them with love, compassion and mercy. You know the whole church fad ‘What would Jesus do?’, it has kind of become my parenting philosophy. Sounds simple, but is it really? Not really. Mostly because many people have different ‘opinions’ of just what Jesus would do. Is that what my parenting methods have all been based off of? No.

Parenting is a journey. Like any other part of life, it is an unending string of cliches. Everyone is different and what works for each person and their family will be different. I respect that.

My journey? Has not been free from speed bumps. My oldest… he was a difficult toddler, to say the least. When he was very small, we sort of just followed our parents’ examples and did what they had done with us and our siblings. When he would get into trouble, we’d yell at him and possibly spank/smack him. Then he’d cry, we’d give him a hug, talk about the situation, yadda yadda yadda.. By the time he was 2-3yrs old, he was not allowed to go to childcare at our church. Why? Because he was hitting other kids too much. He was aggressive. If another child did something he did not like, he hit them.

Wow. I really don’t think it takes a rocket scientist to see the connection there.

We talked to his doctor about his behavior problems. His doctor backed up our practices and also suggested time outs. We tried to explain how time outs were quite fruitless in this case and the doctor proceeded to tell us we needed to use more force. He suggested we hold him with his face in a corner and restrain him if necessary to make him stay there.

Friends, please… don’t ask doctors for parenting advice. I’m pretty sure that’s not covered in med school.

Then we decided to try something radical. What if WE stopped hitting? After all, that was obviously what made him think it was ok. Within 2 weeks, his aggression was curbed and he was allowed back in class. We taught him appropriate ways to deal with his anger and encouraged him to communicate (which was not very easy, he didn’t talk well) with us how he was feeling so we could help him through it. We STILL have to do this with him. Because, you know what? Parenting doesn’t stop when they’re out of diapers (even if they wear diapers until they’re nearly 5). And sometimes? It takes YEARS for them to create healthy habits. He has not been aggressive since he was a wee little ankle biter, but he does still need help with the communication aspect of things. But hey, I know plenty of adults who struggle in that area as well (me).

I decided to write this post because I was offended. Yes, offended.

For my family, spanking is wrong. And, truly, if there are better and equally effective alternatives, I’m not real sure why parents really still have the desire to do it. But if that is what they deem right for their family, FINE. Have at it.

BUT.

The past couple weeks I was repeatedly subjected to a phrase I found offensive on Facebook. I know, I know… FACEBOOK. Really. Who cares? I care because it is my friends and family ‘liking’ this.

“I would rather go to jail for spanking my kids than for them go because I didn’t.”

Wow. Just… wow. REALLY? You’d rather spank your kids to the point that it would warrant jail time, than… wait… YOU THINK YOUR KIDS WILL GO TO JAIL IF YOU *DON’T* SPANK THEM!?

Wow. Is it a joke? Because I fail to see the humor. And it doesn’t sound like a joke. And I realize that you’re ‘not saying you beat your kids’ because no one who ‘uses spanking as a parenting tool’ considers it ‘beating’ their kids. Never mind that spanking is still essentially a form of hitting. And it remains the only socially acceptable form of hitting. More people are against hitting animals as a form of training than are against spanking. No, spanking is not beating. I’m not accusing anyone of beating. Yes, beating would be worse. But spanking is still hitting.

And so, uncles, aunts, friends, former Sunday school teachers, acquaintances, relatives, and mom.. let me ask you this: do you really believe I might have ended up in jail if I had not been spanked? And to all of you who know my kids: do you really think that my children are at higher risk of going to jail because I don’t spank them?

Yes. I’m offended. No, I will not tell you that you are wrong for hitting your kids. If that is really what you think is the right way for YOU to parent, then so be it. Not my business. I hope the best for you and your family and only ask that you extend the same respect and courtesy. But to insinuate that my kids might end up in jail because I’m choosing not to hit them is down right insulting. So, thanks for that. I do believe it is entirely possible for us to stand up for what we believe in in a respectful and loving manner without judging or criticizing others.

And if you REALLY think that kids who are NOT spanked are more likely to end up in jail, perhaps you might take a look at a few articles.

From CNN.

From ABC News.

From TIME.

Up next, more of my personal reasons behind my choice to not spank my children and what my ultimate goals are as a parent. I’m sure you’re all on the edge of your seat waiting for that one. Heh.